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This was originally published in my September Newsletter.
How is it that you have so much compassion and offer kindness to everyone — and I mean everyone — but you treat yourself with such contempt and disregard?
The irony of that is you feel so much energy from others. If you’re being judged, disrespected, treated unkindly, you feel it that negative energy in your core.
And yet, you willingly speak to and about yourself with no regard to your own feelings.
I know this because I work with highly sensitive women and together, we explore their relationship with themselves.
I know this because my inner critical part often made me feel guilty and shameful on the regular. It could stop me in my tracks as it rained the insults and unkind words at me. Telling me I’m the stupidest, most horribly inconsiderate person in the world.
It’s way too easy to be unkind and a struggle to offer yourself grace and understanding. Ugh!
If you’re saying, “I’m not that bad. Sure, I’m critical but sometimes I need to push myself.” Take a break from reading this and spend the next day or so listening, really listening to how you address yourself.
Each time you hear a critical comment from within, or spoken aloud to yourself, ask yourself, “Would I ever say that to anyone, or anything else?”
I can tell you, the answer is, “No!” You’d never speak to anyone else the way to talk to yourself. So why is that okay? Does it motivate you? Does it make you feel better? Have you ever seen children, or beloved pets motivated by harsh criticism? I’m guessing the answer again is, “no!”
You’d probably try to defend a child or pet who was being harshly reprimanded and yet you’re okay with doing it to yourself.
If you’re interested in building a more compassionate relationship with yourself —research shows compassion works better than criticism to motivate change — here are a few tips to help.
Self-Compassion tips for HSPs
Acknowledge your feelings: It's important to recognize and accept your emotions as they arise, rather than suppress or deny them. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully, without judgment or criticism.
Practice mindfulness: Pay attention to how you talk to yourself in the moment. Are you kind or harsh? Take a deep breath and just notice your tone when you address yourself.
Respond to yourself differently: When you notice you’re being critical, try saying, “I’m working on being kinder to myself, especially when I’m struggling.
Treat yourself with kindness: Speak to yourself like you would to a good friend — in a kind and encouraging way. Being gentle and compassionate while acknowledging when you're struggling or feeling overwhelmed.
Set healthy boundaries: Allow self-care and create space for downtime and rest in your daily routine. Say no to things that don't align with your values or priorities.
Keep Practicing: Building a new relationship with yourself takes time. And when times are tough it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. Remember it’s a self-compassion practice.
Remember: Everyone struggles from time to time. It’s part of our human experience. We’re not perfect so we don’t always get it right. But you can remember to offer kindness to yourself when things don’t go well.
Self-compassion is a practice that takes time and effort, so be patient with yourself as you work on cultivating this skill.
I’ve found that meeting myself with care and kindness has decreased my anxious feelings and helped me heal in ways I didn’t anticipate. And I see the growth as clients meet their tormentors — their inner critic — with gentleness and build new a relationship with themselves.
I hope this is the beginning of a new relationship with yourself.
If you’re still skeptical about why self-compassion is more effective than self-criticism you can find the research here.
